


Heavy in Your Arms

by supreme_genius



Category: Hawkeye (Comics), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M, Nightmares, Violence, not too graphic violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-23
Updated: 2015-04-30
Packaged: 2018-02-14 08:20:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2184564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supreme_genius/pseuds/supreme_genius
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky has a nightmare that gets out of hand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Marvel, the characters, or the comics.  
> I make no monetary gain from this.
> 
> Title is from a song of the same name by Florence + the Machine. I don't own that either except for buying the song on iTunes. You should definitely give it a listen with this.

            Bucky feels the pain surge through his body – electric jolts piercing through every inch of him. He can feel hands at his throat, a knife at his jugular. His body is shaking with pain, but there’s nothing he can do about it. He has to take it, just like every time before. The asset can’t rebel, can’t protest. He is their property, their machine, their weapon; they can do with him what they please. Bucky’s mind strains to wrap around what’s happening. _No. This isn’t real. This_ can’t _be real. I got out. HYDRA is gone._

            A whimper slipping passed Bucky’s lips pulls Kate from her light slumber. She watches him under a furrowed brow, watches the minute changes in his face as he sleeps. Kate knows better than to just reach out and shake him awake. Instead she reaches the other way, turning on the little lamp on her nightstand. It doesn’t put off a lot of light, but it’s enough to illuminate the hard lines marring Bucky’s face.

            “Bucky,” she whispers. “Bucky.” When he doesn’t wake up, she reaches out a gentle hand and lays it on his chest, rubbing her thumb against his hot skin. “Bucky.”

            He jolts awake, jumping up and scrambling around. Kate backs up when she sees the look in his eyes – it’s not Bucky; it’s the Winter Soldier. She does her best to keep her body in a passive stance, even though every instinct in her body tells her to fight, to reach for the bow. Even when Bucky is lunging across the bed, pinning her down, his hips a heavy weight on hers, and wrapping his hands around her throat, she tries to stay calm.

            His hands are tight, squeezing the life out of her with each second. His memory is faltering, forgetting who Kate is and where he is. Right now, she’s a threat. Kate knows that Bucky has been having nightmares, but they have never been this bad before.

 _Stay calm, Kate. Don’t scare him. Don’t pressure him. Let him know you’re not a threat._ “Buck,” she barely manages to get out. Slowly she brings her hands up to his, gently wrapping around his wrists. She rubs one of her thumbs against the cold metal of his left arm. “Buck…it’s me…Kate.” Her brain is screaming at her to fight, to defend herself, but when his grip loosens – just enough for her to get a few breaths in – she calms down. “It was only…a dream.”

“Kate?” He growls, still unsure who this woman is.

“Yes. You know me.” Tears start to fill her eyes.

“Kate.” This time her name is a statement. Bucky is in there, pushing away the Winter Soldier.

“You know me. It was just…a dream. You’re…safe…” She tries to get out as much as she can, her mind getting fuzzy.

“Oh…oh god.” He says as he loosens his grip and lets go. “Kate.” Tears fill his eyes and come flooding out. He practically throws himself away from her. He shakes his head, disbelieving that he could lose himself so much he could forget who Kate is. “Oh god. Oh god. Oh, Kate…I…” He looks around in a panic, trying to familiarize himself with his surroundings – purple sheets, the lamps he bought from a thrift store, the godforsaken nightstands from IKEA that he had to ask Tony and Bruce for help to put them together, the picture of him and Kate on the beach. He’s in Kate’s room, the place he sleeps more often than not. When he looks over at Kate, she’s still gasping for air, still has tears in her eyes.

Eventually Kate tries to move towards him, but every time she does, he moves away. He’s off the bed, stepping back and then hitting the wall. She stops at the edge of the bed, sitting down on his side. She opens her mouth a few times, intending to speak but remaining quiet. Her bottom lip quivers and she looks away, determined not to cry. _This is Bucky. You love him. You can handle this._

He steps back towards her, stopping when he’s about a foot away, but doesn’t reach out or try to touch her. Sinking down to his knees, he looks up at her; he begs for forgiveness. “I…I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Kate. I didn’t…I thought…”

“I know,” she says softly, her voice cracking. “It’s okay. _I’m_ okay.” She slides off the bed, kneeling on the floor in front of him. She whispers, “Are _you_ okay?” One of her hands slowly comes up to rest on his chest, right over his heart.

He shakes his head, leaning forward and laying his head on her shoulder, and finally breaks. His tears dampen her shirt and the sobbing makes his entire body shake. She sits back, extending her legs in front of her, and pulls him closer, holding him against her chest. As they sit there, Kate does her best to keep it together – clenches her jaw, slams her eyes shut. She refuses to break down. Before long, Kate is hunched over, her head resting atop Bucky’s, and both of them are asleep.

The sun starts peeking through the blinds around six in the morning, shining right into Kate’s eyes. When her eyes flutter open, Bucky is still leaning against her chest, still asleep. She smiles, small and sad, and presses a kiss to the top of his head. His body twitches at the contact and his eyes are popping open. Bucky looks up at her and frowns when he sees the bruises starting to darken on her pale skin. Tears fill his eyes again and he reaches out to her, his hands hovering over the bruises.

“I did this.”

Kate nods.

“I’m so sorry, Kate.” He reclaims his hand to wipe away his tears. “I should probably go back to sleeping in my own room. I…I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”

“No.” She shakes her head. “I want you here, okay? This is just another hurdle we have to jump. I knew what I was getting into. I can handle this and we’ll get through it. I promise.”


	2. Chapter 2

With a sigh, Kate starts digging through her closet, trying to find something to wear that will hide the bruises on her neck. She wants to hide them from Bucky because he can barely look at her; she wants to hide them from the team because she doesn’t want their prying eyes, their pity, or their advice. But most of all, she doesn’t want the _I told you so_ from Clint. He’d told her that getting involved with Bucky would be a mistake.

She wonders if it really is. She loves him, cares about him, would do anything for him. He’s saved her life, and she’s saved his. _Whatever it takes_ , she had told herself, _I’ll stick by him_. Giving up on him isn’t an option. Despite the purple-blue reminder around her neck, she can’t find it in herself to be mad at him. Last night she was scared, but she knew she could get through to him. _I’ll always get through to him_. Kate is many things and stubborn is high up on that list.

She comes across an old turtle neck, but she cringes and tosses it in the corner. Turtlenecks are the most suspicious cover up; everyone knows you’re hiding something. _A scarf?_ She goes to wrap a scarf around her neck, but before it even touches her skin, she’s throwing it as far away from her as possible. A shiver runs through her body as she fights tears, but then she sees a dark grey hoodie hanging up.

Tugging it off the hanger, she pulls it on and hugs her arms around herself. It’s not hers; could be Bucky’s, maybe Clint’s or Sam’s. For a moment, she can’t stop thinking about whose it is. _Well, it’s not purple. So probably not Clint’s. Doesn’t smell like him either. Pfft. Smells like me; that’s no help. It feels too worn to be Sam’s; his have that perpetual new-clothes feel to them. Plus, the ends of the sleeves are ripping; Sam would donate it then._ It’s well worn and soft; it makes her feel cozy. She decides it’s Bucky’s.

“Is that mine?”

When she turns around, arms falling to her sides, she finds Bucky standing in the doorway, his head tilted and brow raised. The dark circles under his eyes are more prevalent than usual. He looks tired, sad.

“Yeah,” she says, walking over to him and wrapping her arms around his waist, setting her chin on his shoulder. It’s as if nothing happened. That’s how it has to be, for her at least. She copes by reminding herself to stay strong, that Bucky isn’t someone she can just give up on.

It stays quiet between them for a while; Kate keeps her arms around Bucky, holding him close. She still feels good wrapped in his arms; she’s not scared, won’t shy away from him, still wants the metal arm around her waist. Her neck aches but not as badly as her heart.

“You okay?” She finally breaks the silence.

“Should be askin’ if you’re okay.”

“I’m fine, Buck.”

Bucky hooks his index finger beneath the neck of Kate’s hoodie, pulling as gently as he can manage and just enough to see her pale skin covered with dark bruises. Kate pulls away, and Bucky’s hand falls to his side. She doesn’t want to move away from him, but she knows if he had the chance, he’d just sit there and dwell on the bruises all day. When Bucky looks away with tears in his eyes, Kate wraps her arms around his waist once more and just holds him.

“I’m not gonna lie, Bucky; this is hard. There are times when I just don’t know what to do, don’t know how to help you. That scares me, but I love you, and I want to be with you. I know you’re sorry, and I forgive you. This is just a bump in the road; we’ll move passed it.”

“But Kate --”

“Listen to me, Bucky.” She pulls away so she can look up at him. Her hands come up to cup his jaw. “I’m not afraid of you. I’m not gonna kick you out. I’m not gonna love you any less. I knew what I was getting into, and I don’t regret any of it.” She leans up to press a kiss to his forehead. “I love you, and that’s what matters.”

Bucky just nods.

“If you want out, or if you want to go slower -- just tell me. I want what you want.”

“I just want to be okay,” he says, his voice cracking.

“You’ll get there, I promise. You’ve been through a lot, and it’s gonna take time. And I’ll be damned if I’m gonna bail on you.”

“I’d understand if you did,” Bucky says, defeat heavy in his voice.

“Understandable or not, I’m not leaving you.” Kate cups Bucky’s jaw, gently moving his face so he looks up from the floor and meets her eyes. Then she pulls at the collar of her hoodie. “You didn’t do this in ill will. I know you weren’t purposely trying to hurt me.”

“But, Kate…”

“No more buts. I love you, and I’m not giving up on you. End of story.”

* * *

Kate knocks on Sam’s door, knowing he’s the only one she trusts enough to ask for help with this. She’s waiting barely a minute before Sam’s opening the door, only a towel around his waist.

“Shit. Sorry, Sam. I’ll come back later.”

“Nah, come in. Just give me a sec to get dressed.”

Kate plops down on the sofa as Sam disappears into his en suite. A couple minutes later, he emerges, this time in jeans and a t-shirt. He grabs a couple sodas from the mini fridge and offers one to Kate as he sits down.

“So, what brings you to this floor of the tower?” Sam flips the tab on his soda and takes a sip. “Not still trying to talk me into letting you test out my wings, are you?”

Kate shakes her head as she fiddles with the tab of her can.

Sam takes a moment to watch Kate, and it hits him. “Bucky?”

This time Kate nods.

“You want to break up with him?”

Finally looking up from the soda can, Kate says, “No. No way.” She sighs. “He’s still having the nightmares.”

“I thought they stopped.”

“That’s what he told me, but maybe it’s just been so long he thought they stopped.”

“I’m guessing it was bad.”

“Really bad,” Kate says, willing away the tears she knows are coming. “He forgot who was; he thought he was still…” Her voice trails off, not wanting to say it: The Winter Soldier. “He…he, uh…” Instead of saying it, she pulls the collar of her hoodie aside just enough so Sam can see the bruised skin.

“Jesus, Kate.” He shakes his head, barely able to wrap it around what he’s seeing.

Bucky, since he’s been staying in the tower, has never been much of a violent person. It was only when he woke up from a nightmare that he ever acted out in a rage. He’s never shown any other signs of violence. There are times when Sam can’t believe Bucky was once the Winter Soldier.

“It’s not like he meant to do it. He was just confused, scared.” The tears fall, and Kate is quick to brush them away. “He would never.”

“I know that, it’s just…”

“Tell me what to do, Sam.”

“I can’t.” He reaches out to Kate, who lets him pulls her close. “I wish I could, but I can’t. All I can do is offer my help, to you and Bucky.”

“I just wish,” Kate mumbles into Sam’s shirt, “I knew how to help him.”

* * *

Bucky frowns when Clint replies to his “do you know where Kate is?” text with “sorry no.” He sighs.

“Jarvis?” He finally says.

“Yes, Mr. Barnes?”

“Where’s Kate?”

“Ms. Bishop is with Mr. Wilson in his room.”

“Oh,” Bucky says softly.

“There is no need for that tone, Mr. Barnes.”

“C-can you ask her to come up here when she’s not busy?”

“You could always go down there.”

“I can just wait, Jarvis. Thanks.”

With a frown, Bucky flops down on the bed and closes his eyes. Reaching back, he grabs a pillow and pulls it over his face. He hadn’t noticed which pillow he grabbed, but by the smell of jasmine, he knows it’s Kate’s. He wraps his arms around it and breathes deeply, letting the smell comfort him.

“You’re not trying to smother yourself, are you? Because I hear that doesn’t work -- something about the inherent nature about wanting to survive. I don’t know.” Kate stands at the side of the bed, looking down at Bucky. She’s still clad in his hoodie.

Bucky responds with a groan.

Slowly, cautiously, Kate slips into bed next to Bucky, curling up against his side. She waits a while before she hooks one of her legs over his and then tugs at the pillow, gently pulling it away from his face. When she’s able to set it aside, she drapes one arm over his chest and buries her face in the crook of his neck. It’s not long before she falls asleep. Bucky sighs. He’s so tired, but he doesn’t trust himself to sleep -- not right now, not with Kate lying here with him. But he’s exhausted, and soon he can’t fight it.

* * *

It’s Kate who wakes up first, as the sun is going down and the sky is painted in orange and pink. Rather than getting up, she stays curled up against Bucky’s side and rests her chin on his chest, alternating between looking at the sky and watching Bucky sleep.

Bucky’s face looks softer than usual; Kate almost laughs at how cliché it is. Without realizing it, her hand comes up, and she combs her fingers through his hair. She only does it a few times before a few sleepy mumbles slip passed Bucky’s lips, which soon curl into a smile.

Kate leans up and presses a kiss to the underside of his jaw. “You sleep okay?”

He nods.

“Good.” It makes Kate smile, relieved.

 


	3. Chapter 3

“Hey, Bucky?”

“Hm?” Bucky hums as he looks up from the newspaper in his hands.

Kate had planned a nice little speech, but it’s lost as she just blurts out, “Go talk to Sam.” She groans. “No, sorry. I just... “ She sighs. “It would mean a lot to me if you’d go talk with Sam. Please. He wants to help, and I think he’ll be better at it than I’ve been. I’m not saying go bear your soul to him, just... vent. Or something. I don’t know. Please stop me; I’m rambling.”

“Okay.”

“Wait… ‘okay’ what?”

“I’ll talk to Sam. Obviously it’ll make you happy, so I’ll do it.”

Kate sits down next to him. “Don’t just go for me, though. It’s not like I’m gonna be mad if you don’t go.”

“I should, though. I know I should.” He folds up the paper and gently tosses it on the coffee table. “It’s not like I’m purposely keeping things bottled up. There are so many holes in my memory, and it’s so frustrating that sometimes it’s just easier not to think about any of it.”

Kate wishes she had something to say, but instead she just leans over and presses a kiss to Bucky’s cheek. “Sam should be back around three. Clint and I have a mission, but it shouldn’t take too long. Hopefully, I’ll be back before you go to bed.”

Bucky nods as Kate kisses him again, and then he watches her walk away. He sighs, looking up at the clock. _Five hours, Buck._

When three o’clock rolls around, Bucky finds him knocking on Sam’s door, a lot less reluctant than he thought he’d be.

“Hey, man,” Sam calls from down the hall. “Sorry, meeting ran a little late today. I’m glad you’re here, though.”

“Oddly enough, I am too.”

Sam lets Bucky into his room and points him towards the sofa. “You want something to drink? Soda? Water?”

“I’m alright, thanks.”

With a nod, Sam walks over to where Bucky is sitting on the sofa, and sits in the armchair across from him. “So, how’re you today?”

“Not so bad, I guess.”

“Kate told me what happened the other day. You wanna talk about it?”

Bucky shrugs. “Don’t really want to, but I know I should.”

“I’ll let you take the lead, then. Just tell me whatever you’re comfortable with.”

“Well, uh… I thought the nightmares stopped. I’d been good for weeks, so I just assumed.” Bucky’s eyes dart away, suddenly looking anywhere but at Sam. “I uh, can’t believe I’m talking to you about this.”

“Why’s that?” Sam asks, even though he knows the answer.

“You know… everything that happened… and I don’t… I don’t really know you.”

“Do you want Kate here? Would it make this easier?”

Bucky answers with a shake of the head.

“Okay.” Sam pauses to think. “How about journaling?”

“What?”

“You need to get it all out, man. I know that. You know it. Kate knows it. I know it can be hard to tell someone face-to-face. There’s often too much pressure. But what I think might help you is writing it down. Just for you. No pressure of trying to piece it together to share with Kate. No pressure of trying to tell someone you don’t really know. Just write. Let go. Get it out.”

“That... “ Bucky starts, nodding, “sounds like something I could do.”

“It’s clear that you want help and you want to heal and move on. I think this is a good step in the right direction.”

Bucky almost smiles. “Pun intended?”

Sam chuckles. “Nah, man. Just a happy accident.” He gets up and walks over to his bookshelf. “So, what color do you want? I got ‘em all.”

Bucky thinks for a moment. “How about green?”

Sam pulls a green notebook from the shelf and hands it to Bucky. “How about we meet again when you’ve filled it up. We’ll see how much has changed.”

 

When Kate gets back to the tower, she follows Clint back to his room rather than going to her own. Even though the mission was extremely quick, it still took its toll on the Hawkeyes. Clint has cuts on his arms and face, but none (for once) need any stitches. He’s pretty sure he bruised a couple ribs and sprained a toe. Kate’s sporting a gnarly black eye and a gash above her eyebrow.

“So, why can’t you shower in your own room?”

“Bucky’s probably asleep, and I don’t want to wake him. He doesn’t sleep much, so when he does, I try not to ruin it.”

Clint’s eyes move over the faded bruise around her neck. He opens his mouth to say something, but decides against it.

“I’ll be in and out in ten minutes tops. Just wanna get the blood and dirt off.” Kate ducks into the bathroom without another word.

Clint just shakes his head, grabs a beer from the fridge, and flops down on the sofa. He watches the clock, ready with a smartass remark when Kate goes over her ten minutes. She’s out in nine with a smirk on her face. She just says “told ya” and walks out.

When Kate walks into her room, she expects to find Bucky asleep in bed. She does find him in bed, but rather than sleeping, he’s writing in a notebook.

“Whatcha doing, Bucky?” She asks, brow raised, as she pulls open one of her dresser drawers and then changes into a tank top and pajama shorts.

Bucky shuts the notebook and sets it aside. “I… Sam suggested I write down everything I’m thinking and feeling.”

“So, it went well today?” Kate asks as she slides into bed next to him.

He nods. “Yeah. I mean, we didn’t talk much, but I think it still went okay.”

Kate smiles and leans over to kiss his cheek. “I’m glad.”

“I take it your mission didn’t go as well?” He cups Kate’s jaw, gently moving her face to get a better look at her eye.

She shrugs. “We got it done. I got home when I said I would. Can’t ask for more than that, right?”

“How’s Clint?”

“Beat up; nothing new for him.”

“You guys ever try _not_ getting hurt on missions?”

“Sorry, we aren’t as graceful as the rest of you.”

“That’s not what I mean, Kate. I just don’t like seeing you get hurt.”

With a sigh, Kate says, “I know, Bucky. I know.” She slides closer to him and curls up against his side.

 

 


End file.
